Hold them close

Yesterday was June 21st, the first day of summer.  It is also the one year anniversary of a friend's death, and will forever be the anniversary of another.  A good friend of my sister and brother in law's, who I had met several times but can't claim to truly know, past away unexpectedly.   He wasn't even 40 years old.

Death and dying are subjects that I feel like I have a handle on, but they paralyze my tongue.  I never have the perfect words and I struggle with what to say to people.  Yesterday when I was talking to my sister, this was no exception.  All I could really say was that I was sorry, it was shitty and it just wasn't fair.

Death is one of those things that can't be undone, and that is the feeling I get when I experience a loss.  It's done, it's over, and it is irrevocably changed.  It's sad, sometimes even heartbreaking.  My sadness is not for the person lost, because they are gone.  It is for the people who loved them. 

The person who has to come home to an empty house and a cold side of the bed.

The person who realizes that they have to delete their number from their phone.

The person who aches when their birthday comes around

The person who is suddenly struck when a song comes on the radio that reminds them.

Some people go when it is their time, and it is expected, and peaceful and that is what I call a good death.  A good death is so important, not only for the one leaving this earth, but for those who are left behind.  When someone is ripped from our lives tragically, there is so much less closure.  There is panic, and uncertainty and hopelessness.  We can't bring them back, no matter what we do to try.  So what do you do?

I think it is important to be sad if you feel that way.  I don't see any reason that emotions need to be masked, it is such a deep hurt that people should be given carte blanche to be sad, angry or reserved.  Everyone needs to grieve for as long as they want, and however it feels right.  Eventually, it comes time to "move on".  I actually hate that expression, I prefer move forward. 

Sometimes moving forward is all you can do.  I think the greatest tribute to someone's life is to live your own in a way that would make them proud, and that is exactly how you move forward.  Is it easy?  No.  Is it instant?  Absolutely not.  But there comes a time where you can't just stay swallowed in the moment anymore, and you need to plow ahead, one foot in front of the other.  That time comes when you are ready, and not when someone else tells you that it has been long enough.

For the rest of us left standing, like myself, who are shocked, saddened, but mostly left unscathed by this passing, it is a lesson.  We need to do what everyone says but rarely lives out.  We need to cherish the ones we love, tell them how we feel and hold them close.